Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
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Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
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