just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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