Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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