So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
