Heybabeimwearingurpanties
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
