He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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