Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
