nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
