How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize