So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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