i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
