it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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