my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
