I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
