Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
