Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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