so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
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if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
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VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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