I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
