I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
