I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
