Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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