Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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