One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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