Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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