Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
