no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
