The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
