In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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