Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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