Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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