Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
