like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
