i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
