Pants 0. Shit 1.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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