In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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