Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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