Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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