Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
And then he peed in my hair
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