I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
