A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
my liver is dry heaving
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
