My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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