Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize