You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
