What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
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His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
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k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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