I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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