that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
