Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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