I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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