and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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