please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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