It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
