I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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