As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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