And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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