My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize