I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
