just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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