I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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